FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
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“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
canadian assassins are called killergrams
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you