meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
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please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days