Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
You Might Also Like
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
They’re the worst 😩
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
wishing you and yours all the best
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.