me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
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[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?