Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
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They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this