babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
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Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
We need to put an American base on the sun
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.