If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
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The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
“i miss shittin on people”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa