agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
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Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?