Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
You Might Also Like
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Kids: Stay in school.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
What kind of a cult is this?