“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
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I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
paddle faster i hear baby shark
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.