I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
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How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I see your IQ test came back negative
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I like crazy people until they notice me
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
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[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin