I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
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Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”