Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
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Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Happy Friday
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep