[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
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In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
no refunds
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
kitchen magnet
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.