ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
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Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews