Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
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[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.