I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
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My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
My neck my back my allergy attack
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.