I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
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What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.