I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
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my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
the answer was staring at me all along
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…