The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
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I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
good morning
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”