Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
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“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
dogs can find happiness so easily
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?