Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
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Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
How about daylight saves us for once
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.