Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
You Might Also Like
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better