Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
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Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Inside you there are two wolves
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.