everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
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“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now