me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
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Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
My circle of trust is a meatball
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.