Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
You Might Also Like
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.