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I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.