Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
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If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples