A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
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When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.