My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
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They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.