The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
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I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Received some very disappointing news today
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.