[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
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[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?