I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
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Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
A little too much information.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side