“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
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“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Become ungovernable.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?