The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
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shit this isn’t my notes app
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
All is fair in drunk and war.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say