Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
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I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
i can’t wait that long
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.