me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
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I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.