Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
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Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer