Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
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guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
All. The. Damn. Time.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
(2022)
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.