therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: π€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈ
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I thought $3 eggs π₯ were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINEβS DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
My beach vacation Google searches
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look Iβm just old ok
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I hope I donβt die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: Whatβs wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: βThis is a little weird. Can we go now?β
Me: βBut a lot of women find this very romantic…β
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”