Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
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i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.