gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
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Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.