Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
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My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what