I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
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I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese