Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
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Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.