Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
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When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”