Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
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Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.