Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
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Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”