In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
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sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
me hitting on a model
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
asking santa clause for nudes
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*